Slowly inching into reality
I haven’t written in tumblr for a long while now, lest check it, but I found this post sitting in my drafts tab that I thought I should share. I have been convicted, encouraged and pushed in the last couple of days in which I decided to share them with you. This post, among many others, is the first. It sums up every feeling and thought I had right in the beginning of the semester. More to come. Much, much more to come.
It’s almost 2am and I should be sleeping, but my head has been spinning with countless thoughts about the inevitable: the dreaded question of what I’m doing after the ceremony, the countless congratulations, and my senior show is over.
And like everyone else, I nervously say “I don’t know.”
I looked at jobs until 3am last night, hoping to open a million tabs of potential careers and open doors. To my dismay, I saved five jobs at most and the majority of them are ones that I’m not sure I qualify for. There’s one position labeled “Senior Graphic Designer” at a pretty big company. Is it even possible to land a senior position right out of college?
Since the semester started, I’ve been feeling like I’m running against a current that I cannot stop. The longer I run, the more painful it gets, and the more I’m unable to understand where I’m going or how long I’ll be running for. The current stands as time, and it’s quickly ticking away as I’m scrambling to get a million things done before I graduate and get thrown into cold water.
It’s been an internal struggle wrestling with my uncertainty with the truths that I’m desperately holding on to - truths of the character of the Lord, His promises and my salvation which brings about my identity. I know He has wonderful plans for me and I’m slowly progressing in them (Jeremiah 29:11), but where am I going? I know the Lord will never leave me, and He is always with me (Hebrews 13:5), but sometimes I feel like I’m on my own to take care of myself. I know the Lord is ever faithful (Psalm 86:15), but to be completely honest, my uncertain future makes me doubt.
I am completely aware that I sound wishy-washy, and I’m sure it doesn’t come across as a surprise for those who’ve known me for a while. The only thing I am certain of is I’m terrified of life after graduation, as well as this song verse that I’ve carried with me for years that speak the sweet truth:
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.