I haven’t written in tumblr for a long while now, lest check it, but I found this post sitting in my drafts tab that I thought I should share. I have been convicted, encouraged and pushed in the last couple of days in which I decided to share them with you. This post, among many others, is the first. It sums up every feeling and thought I had right in the beginning of the semester. More to come. Much, much more to come. 

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It’s almost 2am and I should be sleeping, but my head has been spinning with countless thoughts about the inevitable: the dreaded question of what I’m doing after the ceremony, the countless congratulations, and my senior show is over. 

And like everyone else, I nervously say “I don’t know.” 

I looked at jobs until 3am last night, hoping to open a million tabs of potential careers and open doors. To my dismay, I saved five jobs at most and the majority of them are ones that I’m not sure I qualify for. There’s one position labeled “Senior Graphic Designer” at a pretty big company. Is it even possible to land a senior position right out of college? 

Since the semester started, I’ve been feeling like I’m running against a current that I cannot stop. The longer I run, the more painful it gets, and the more I’m unable to understand where I’m going or how long I’ll be running for. The current stands as time, and it’s quickly ticking away as I’m scrambling to get a million things done before I graduate and get thrown into cold water. 

It’s been an internal struggle wrestling with my uncertainty with the truths that I’m desperately holding on to - truths of the character of the Lord, His promises and my salvation which brings about my identity. I know He has wonderful plans for me and I’m slowly progressing in them (Jeremiah 29:11), but where am I going? I know the Lord will never leave me, and He is always with me (Hebrews 13:5), but sometimes I feel like I’m on my own to take care of myself. I know the Lord is ever faithful (Psalm 86:15), but to be completely honest, my uncertain future makes me doubt. 

I am completely aware that I sound wishy-washy, and I’m sure it doesn’t come across as a surprise for those who’ve known me for a while. The only thing I am certain of is I’m terrified of life after graduation, as well as this song verse that I’ve carried with me for years that speak the sweet truth:

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

I’ve always feared the blank canvas, the clear white page or the beaming digital artboard on my computer screen. The biggest hurdle any designer must face is starting the creation of something potentially great. Before we can ever reach the final product of our hands, it’s the death stare of its absence living in the canvas. I’ve overcome the hurdles of a blank canvas, a white page and the digital artboard, but I’m now faced with the biggest challenge yet - the Biola Art Gallery.

Oh snaps…

A lot of people asked me if I know what I’m doing for my senior art show. The only answer I can give is a nervous “I don’t know” followed by the terrifying thought of “Oh glob…what am I doing for my show!?” Since my freshman year at Biola, I have visited the art gallery countless times dreaming of my pieces finally being displayed during my fourth year. 

Now that time is nearing May 2013, my stomach has been hurting and my head spinning. 

By no means is this post meant to live as words filled with how much I dread creating a show, but rather the beginning of an open and honest journey that I recently decided to share with everyone. If you wish to follow, I plan to release my endless train of thought for (literally) the biggest art showing of my life here lest I explode. I would probably post inspirations, sketches, or some sort of design related material for the sake of keeping my design Tumblr alive. 

As of my train of thought now, I can only hope to create a show that would communicate to my parents, family, friends, boyfriend, my pillow pet frog and all who have encouraged and provided financially in the most gracious and craziest way possible how incredibly grateful I am for their support. Just as I have recently learned in my Senior Seminar class, I can only approach and succeed in this final project with prayerful conversations with the Lord, and a focused mindset that in all things, it’s for Him. 

The beginning of the biggest blank canvas…

I quickly drove to church, parked my car, and placed my bag on my lap and constantly repeated phone, keys, wallet continuously in the midst of running thoughts on what I needed to do to prep for the night’s college group. Phone, keys, wallet, phone, keys, wallet, phone, keys…

With frantic hands, I stuffed the three most essential items in my bag and ran up the steps to the college meeting room. After prepping, setting up the room and making sure everything I had planned flowed like water that night, I happily engaged in interesting conversations with my peers about the Hunger Games and exchanged updates on the “411” of our weeks. After the night was over, I grabbed my bag and drove off with another set of a flurry of thoughts on what I needed to do in the coming week. Searching my bag for my phone but thought it strange how quickly I found it, I reached in again and realized my coral blue lock wallet was…missing.

Uh…what?

I reached Danny’s house and desperately scanned, tossed and turned everything upside down in my car looking for my wallet. My wallet…which held every essential item I needed from debit/credit cards, driver’s license, Biola ID card, memorabilia from movie stubs to cue pictures, gift cards, and to lo and behold, my Disneyland pass was missing. No…it’s in here somewhere…  Somewhere became nowhere, hoping to reach in under the driver’s seat and pulling it out gloriously became a mere imagination, and picturing myself sighing in relief came the reality of burrowing my face into the pillows of Danny’s couch crying because I came to accept that it is gone. Driving back to church with Danny scanning, searching and retracing my steps resulted in no luck. 

Danny handed me tissues and in comfort, reminded me of truths that I know of the characteristics of God and how much He will take care of me in the situation. Truths such as the sovereignty of God, God being the Great Provider, God our Caretaker, God the One who is gracious and compassionate became truths that, sadly, I could not accept because of how distraught and frustrated I was. I gave my parents a call and told them what happened. My dad asked me how much cash I had, and when he received a sobbed reply of twenty dollars, he laughed and nonchalantly said, “Ah mei, that’s so little! It’s only money.” 

Yes, daddy, money! Money! Money. Money…

It finally hit me that it was only money. Everything I had in my wallet was a form of money. Some things that money bought, that contained money, and is money itself. But compared to yes, the Gracious Provider, why does it matter that my wallet was missing? He is the source of providing me the once cutest wallet I’ve ever had, the mere twenty dollars sitting nicely in the sleeves of that wallet, the source of the money that my debit/credit cards have, gift cards I received from such loving people He has given in my life, and of course, He has given me the wonderful opportunity to go Disneyland so many times in a year because of such a glorious pass.

Wherever my wallet is or even, whoever my wallet falls upon, I don’t need to fret. As long as my roots are still tightly bound around my loving Father and He still stands as a Gracious and my ultimate Provider, I’m more than taken care of. And since the loss of my wallet, I have never once gone hungry or was financially strained because He really does provide. Not just in mere losses of a small blue wallet, but also in great financial needs. Biola isn’t exactly the cheapest school to go to :P

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God. 
Psalm 42:5 

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 
Matthew 6:26 

God provides and that just may be an understatement.